[Hand-painted watercolor by my friend Roberta Giulia A.] In our last article, The Eclipse of the Human, we explored together how the pursuit of hyper-technicization and fragmentation into “schemas” or “parts” often responds to a need for safety in us as therapists. Faced with the vastness of human pain, protocols offer us the illusion of… Read more »
In our last post (Don’t Bleed in Front of Sharks: A Clinician’s Compass in the Storm of Stage One), we focused on the importance of building a platform of safety before diving into the choppy waters of Stage One. We saw how fundamental it is to read the couple’s “tornado” through a systemic lens and,… Read more »
Have you ever happened to feel a bit of bewilderment looking at how the language of our clinical world is changing? In the contemporary mental health landscape, we are witnessing a singular and, in many ways, alarming phenomenon: an unprecedented proliferation of acronyms, protocols, and “intervention techniques” which, while declaring themselves children of the most… Read more »
Imagine you are in a session. In front of you is a couple trapped in a dark sea of reactivity. The waves of escalation are rising, voices are overlapping, bodies are stiffening, and you—from your armchair—feel the water rising to your throat. [Hand-painted watercolor by my friend Roberta Giulia A.] Sometimes, in those exact moments,… Read more »
The Withdrawer in EFT: Shame, Disconnection, and the Prufrockian Experience. One perspective on this position. When we sit in the therapy room with a highly escalated couple, the dynamic often presents itself with stark clarity: a pursuer caught in the frantic energy of protest, and a withdrawer encased in what appears to be a thick,… Read more »
When events like these go public, it is remarkably easy to slip into judgment and condemnation. Social media rewards the sharp take, the moral verdict delivered in a single sentence. Yet criticism and attack, however satisfying in the moment, have never made anyone a better parent, a better coach, or a better person. They generate… Read more »
When a child’s symptom concerns the whole family, it is easy to look for a quick solution focused only on the child. Recently, a mother contacted me, worried about her 13-year-old son [editor’s note: fictional case, inspired by many referral requests I receive] [Watercolor hand-painted by my friend Roberta Giulia A.] The boy shows anxiety.His… Read more »
Care in a couple is not just “romanticism”, but the daily construction of emotional safety. An EFT perspective to begin the year with connection. Dear colleagues and fellow EFT enthusiasts,(and above all: dear couples beginning a new year together) ours is a journey into the human heart, an expedition into the depths of emotions and… Read more »
Eclecticism vs Integration [scientific and not imaginary] is the second installment of a reflection started with “The Elephant in the Room: Rereading Comorbidities through the Lens of Attachment in EFT.”If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend checking it out before continuing Dear colleagues, In recent times, I increasingly read similar questions in the… Read more »
Changes in the EFT relationship often shape the expectations with which couples enter couple therapy or participate in Hold Me Tight® workshops. Dear Colleagues, As some of you know, I hold several “Hold Me Tight®” seminars1, meeting dozens of couples around the world. We spend two days together experiencing the structure (and the power!) of… Read more »
A drawing with a EFT therapy in the same room with an elephant
Abuse and Attachment? Dear colleagues, In our last post, we had the courage to enter the “room of failures,” addressing those moments when EFT couple therapy, despite its strength, fails to overcome obstacles like overly rigid patterns, deep wounds, or hope that has completely vanished. Today, we delve into an even more complex territory: those… Read more »
Failure in psychotherapy remains one of the least discussed and most difficult territories to navigate in contemporary clinical practice, especially when it involves models with strong empirical validation such as EFT. So, EFT Therapy Always Works Except When… From the Confessional of Our Failures Every so often, at conventions or during supervision and workshops, we… Read more »
Beyond all superficial expectations, towards the very heart of EFT Dear colleagues, today’s post is addressed directly to you, attempting to answer all those questions that our clients’ hearts often ask us, without ever arriving at having a voice. “Why couples therapy?” “Why EFT?” And, above all else, what exactly is going to happen during… Read more »
Love and Passion in the Mosaic Between Fiction and Real Life There are two distinct universes that sometimes overlap and become confused: the universe of passion and that of secure attachment. Passion, in its most literal and etymological sense, derives from the Latin passio, which means “suffering, endurance.” It is no coincidence that this is… Read more »
– Anatomy of a “Complicated” Relationship – I want to tell you about Sara and Marco. I meet them at a dinner party with friends; it’s a lovely evening and we are all relaxed, except for Sara and Marco, who instead seem to be in a bubble of tension all their own. At a certain… Read more »
Ice and distance: when silence replaces the storm in a relationship We have explored the labyrinth of thorns, the battlefield where every word is a weapon and every silence an extremely fragile truce. But what happens when the battle ceases? When the shouting dies down and, in its place, a deafening silence falls, dense as… Read more »
New colors, new atmospheres begin to give a new image to the world around us. Under the first pouring rains, while we are already thinking about the infamous change of seasons, nature has already changed: the parks and gardens are already different. Speaking of gardens and falling leaves, let’s stay with the metaphor and think… Read more »
The inability to connect securely is often due to what we in EFT call “dragons,” that is, the traumas and wounds of the past. These dragons, far from being insurmountable obstacles, are actually the keys to understanding the negative cycle in which couples get trapped. If we believe in the “other half of the apple”… Read more »
LOVE BEYOND FAIRY TALES There is a story that has been told to us for centuries, a sweet and seductive melody that resonates deep within our being: the search for our “other half of the apple.” It’s the fairy tale of a soulmate, a missing piece of our puzzle that, once found, will complete us… Read more »
The EFT Lens for Therapists and Beyond “And I don’t know why, but with you it just feels right. Yeah, with you it just feels right.” Colbie Caillat – “I Do” The chorus and verses of this song convey a sense of inevitability and harmony in the relationship, as if love were something that simply… Read more »
What started as a love we believed would last forever can, at some point, begin to crumble and then collapse from there.
Yes. It can happen, and the reasons can vary, but at the heart of it all lies something we often don’t listen to enough: the way we think about love and ourselves when relating to others.
From Conflict to Connection If you’re here, on this page, perhaps you’re wondering if there’s still hope for your relationship. You’ve searched for “couples therapy.” Maybe you’ve heard or read something about Emotionally Focused Therapy, and maybe, as you search and read, you feel like you’re in a stormy sea: your boat is rocking, and… Read more »
Just communicate more!” “Communication is key!” Or: “You need to work on yourself!” How often have we heard these phrases? And how often have we been told that to love someone, we must first work on ourselves and learn to love ourselves? These are phrases we’ve heard – or said – countless times. Valid intentions,… Read more »
On the cover of today’s post is a drawing of a newborn sleeping in the loving arms of their father. The little one has closed eyes, and their face is serene because they know they can surrender. There’s no fear, nothing to dread, no desire to leave. It’s exactly where they long to be: safe.… Read more »
In this post, we explore some questions about attachment, asking ourselves: The figures of multiple attachments From “The Myth of Attachment Theory” by Heidi Keller and various studies, we know that what we define as “secure attachment” is not necessarily the same across all cultures. Keller points out that in cultures that value community and… Read more »
We have all grown up with fairy tales, haven’t we?Stories of knights in shining armor, damsels in distress, and, of course, the recurring magical phrase:“…and they lived happily ever after.” But what happens after the curtain falls?What happens after the word “the end“?In other words, what lies beneath the sparkling surface of literary romanticism?After the… Read more »
Ah, the human heart, a treasure chest of whispered desires and silent storms.An ancient longing, an unquenchable thirst: connection.That powerful and magical connection that we EFT therapists feed on: feeling welcomed, recognized, and seen deeply, loved beyond masks.Here it is—the great and marvelous promised land of human life, the lush “green island” the poet Tagore… Read more »
Alessandro Cattelan interviews Matteo Lancini on the meaning of couplehood today We live in a world that’s changing fast.Sometimes, so fast it leaves us breathless. In the midst of this ongoing transformation, our relationships are evolving too — along with our very idea of what it means to be in a couple today. Raised on… Read more »
‘Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a primary need, just like oxygen or water.’Sue Johnson1 In our last post, ‘Independence does not exist and if it does, it is history or fiction’ beyond the vaguely provocative title, we explored the theme of independence, first trying to find its origin… Read more »
#anger #difficultemotions In EFT, we move through difficult emotions — the hard ones, the uncomfortable ones, the ones society, the world, and culture have taught us to see as wrong or dangerous.I love this part of the work so much that I want to help you love it too.Today, we’re talking about anger and vulnerability.… Read more »
Showing ourselves as hurt, vulnerable, reacting by snapping or shutting down: reactivity that speaks of connection and hope – “You don’t bleed in front of sharks” is a Brazilian saying that reveals one of our most ancient fears: the fear of showing ourselves as wounded and being devoured as a result. Imagine you are in… Read more »
Alice asks the White Rabbit:“Do you love me?” He beats around the bush and then replies:“No, first you must learn to love yourself. Until you do, until you build a shield of self-love, I will not love you.” Once again, our wonderful Sue Johnson steps in to warn us:“Be careful not to fall into the… Read more »
The title is a little provocation — but only partly. Because if we look deep within ourselves, we discover that what truly sustains life is built on the principle of physiological dependence. In our bodies, there are no cells that can survive on their own, no neurons that work without connections. No organs or systems… Read more »
In the heart of the Carnival of Salvador, where joy pulses and hope dances, a dive into the essence of what we truly crave: human connection, belonging, and the freedom to live each moment in its purest form. Alive, vibrant, drunk on its own rhythm. The hot air, thick with energy, with voices intertwining, with… Read more »
This is the big, terrible question that is often hidden behind the eyes of clients who approach Emotionally Focused Therapy. While their relationship is in crisis and the partners are suffering, they look to us therapists for an answer to everything. What they need to know, and they don’t always ask us explicitly, is whether… Read more »
The internet and social media are teeming with articles and posts about infidelity.“7 Truths About Cheating,” “10 Things You Don’t Know About Infidelity,” “Did They Cheat on You? Find Out Why!” “14 Signs That He/She Is Cheating on You.” From legal to social consequences, from broken hearts to tales of betrayal, extramarital affairs are one… Read more »
Emotionally focused therapy teaches that disconnection panic is triggered when we feel distanced from those we love, triggering an alarm reaction in the brain similar to physical pain. This panic is a survival mechanism ingrained in our nervous system. People react in two main ways: with impetus, trying to get closer, or with withdrawal, protecting themselves from the pain. In reality, both behaviours express the need for connection and to feel safe. To regain harmony, it is essential to acknowledge the pain, show one’s heart with sincerity and listen to the other without defences. Emotional connection is a continuous give and take that strengthens the bond. The goal is to create a safe haven where one feels welcome and loved.
An elevator pitch is a short way to introduce yourself and make a connection. In EFT couples therapy, an elevator pitch helps explain the therapeutic model and make participants understand what to expect, because it speaks to the emotional experience of the couple, simplifying without trivialising, and gives hope for change.
Once upon a time, there was a house. It wasn’t made of bricks or wood, but of gazes, words, and gestures. It was a special house, invisible to the eye yet solid as rock.Open and unbreakable at the same time.Within its walls, two hearts could rest, safe from the winds of life.Together, they could dance… Read more »
Where did EFT come from? What are the theoretical foundations and models that have made possible the germination and growth of such an extraordinary approach? …What if I told you that the origin of EFT is a ‘three-way tea’? Try closing your eyes and letting your imagination run wild for a moment until you see… Read more »
When I observe a couple’s interactions in a therapy session, it is like witnessing a complex and intimate dance. Every gesture, every word, every silence whispers something about the essence of their bond: the needs for connection, the fears of abandonment, the cycles that trap them in a painful distance. Yet in the intensity of… Read more »
‘Be the change you want to see in the world’ Mahatma Gandhi Following on from the EFT guide for gifts (Christmas and otherwise) and in the wake of the 2025 resolutions we talked about here, are Sue Johnson 7 Conversations for Change. What change are we talking about? The one that builds and strengthens loving… Read more »
This first post of 2025 is dedicated to our community of EFT therapists and to everyone who has joined this multilingual, borderless family. I write it for us, so we can keep spreading the message we’ve embraced, choosing to change the world for the better, one therapy session at a time. January is the month… Read more »
For some, December is Christmas: crib, tree, lights and midnight mass: Jingle bells, Stille Nacht, Feliz Navidad… For many, December is the month of corporate dinners and those with friends, so find a spot on the calendar. For those who can, it is mostly the month of family, homecoming, lunch with your folks, and also… Read more »
Perhaps you’re one of those people who adore Christmas: the twinkling lights illuminating the city, jingles echoing everywhere, and warm hugs under a beautifully decorated tree. You savor the anticipation and the magic of a moment that feels like pure enchantment.
Or maybe… you’re part of the community that can’t stand the holidays. The ones who, if they could, would fast-forward the calendar straight to January 7th, when Epiphany takes everything away—along with a collective sigh of relief.
We are still with Federica and Marco, a ‘doomed’ couple we have talked about in the last three posts. Autumn had lasted only a handful of days and I had gone, like the year before, from ballet flats without socks to a coat without even realising it. November had been the anniversary of my first… Read more »
Federica and Marco’s therapy had been going on for several months. Started in an autumn that looked like the winter of the Iron Throne, it had already seen a spring and a summer. That August was a very hot month. The sultriness left no escape even for the flies, which seemed to be crashing against… Read more »
In the post about Federica and Marco, we talked about a ‘doomed’ couple who, thanks to EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY, defeated the dragons… On that first winter afternoon, the day I met them, all the while, rain had been the soundtrack to their stories. It rained outside the studio, but also inside, in the form of… Read more »
I was waiting for a couple I would see for the first time. It was a black afternoon, the sky as dark as night. Temperatures had plummeted and it had been raining for hours. Only the day before, I had been walking around without socks and – like everyone else – I was commenting on… Read more »
I searched for a long time for a metaphor to describe the therapeutic alliance in EFT treatment, without finding a suitable one.
Then, one cloudy summer morning, gloomy but still, in front of the sea and the seagulls, a little boat brought me the answer I was looking for….
Laura and Matthew are a close-knit couple who, for a long time, have been looking for a child, but, trial after trial, the pregnancy is delayed. They are sad. And quite despondent. Many couples in their situation jump. They don’t: wonderfully, Laura and Matteo manage to avoid the crisis. And they hold up, just as… Read more »
We all have a story to tell. A fairy tale perhaps! Usually our favorite tale is the one in which we recognize something of ourselves: loves, pleasures, desires, sorrows even, and traumas, disappointments, torments. The magic of stories, all of them, none excluded, is that they contain meaning. They open, just like matryoshkas, giving birth… Read more »
Long long time ago… I was in Rome for a conference. May 2017, and I was alone. At the end of the first day, the organisers had invited me to dinner at their table. During dinner, I had chatted with a very nice Canadian gentleman. I did not know who he was, except that his… Read more »
Every mind is a universe, with its planets, stars and black holes. A universe that we think is finite, that we think we know, but that in reality still hides a great deal. Our mental space is constantly expanding, just like the one we live in. That is why anyone who works or wants to… Read more »
A true story of how even on a beautiful day everything can change and then the community you are with makes all the difference – EFT
EFT teaches us to dance with our clients, with the couples and individuals who seek our help for their broken hearts, their suffering, and their unmet needs.
It does so with the beautiful words of Sue Johnson, and also in her practice, with the metaphor of dancing applied to both external and internal conflicts.
How?
Through five key movements that we’ll discuss shortly. But first… let’s take a step back.
There are times when time seems to speed up. As if clocks all over the planet have suddenly tuned to a different standard… The hours on the dials are always twenty-four, but the perception is that the days are suddenly faster. Much more hectic, chaotic, frantic… You wake up and like a gazelle (from Aldo,… Read more »
Sometimes, it happens to me to think of the EFT therapist as a kind of extra spine, indeed a whole skeletal apparatus, which supports, sustains, protects, helps articulate, move, and so on, their clients. And which responds to a set of characteristics, “physiological” so to speak, that make its constitution a true somatotype. We can… Read more »
Article written by Giulia Altera for ICEEFT newsletter n*61 – April 2024
This postcard comes from a road called “the hopeless road,” a place that, in theory, should not even exist. A land that, according to sentimental geographers, is just a myth, like lost civilizations, the child and nemesis of another myth: hope itself.
And yet here I am — come discover this road with me.
Secure attachments help identity.
The reason is so simple that once “heard” it sounds self-evident. If we know we have someone who has our back, we are less afraid to face the world. We are freer to express ourselves. Our bodies produce hormones that make us feel better: oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin.
From family to clan, from clans to village, from villages to cities, and then fast forward to metropolises and, again, to the quantum leap of the network that has reset distances, we are who we are because of the bonds we build, because of the communities we choose, build and inhabit.
The journey does not begin when we leave.
Not when we leave the house and slip into traffic.
Not even when we are on board the vehicle we have chosen to move.
The journey always starts with a “what if.”
there are certain “fuses” capable of igniting arguments. Among the ten most common, we find intimacy, tidiness and cleanliness, money, relatives, the so-called “false memory syndrome,” unsolicited advice about the other person’s activities, parenting (but also pets!), vacations, and the habit of scapegoating. Let’s discover Sue Johnson’s demon dialogues!
…THE ONES THAT GIVE SURE ANSWERS… I was wandering around the Web. At one point, while strolling around a social media site that was created to link people in the professional sphere, I wondered what content was the most clicked on, the most viewed posts, and the ones that receive the most praise. Staying in… Read more »
The tendency to procrastinate, as well as a diagnosis of ADHD are not “evil.”
We all procrastinate something sooner or later. The question is how we feel about doing it!
Not only can conscious procrastination be good, but a soft approach to the myriad commitments of each day can even help us achieve our goals.
The therapeutic model that made us fall in love is like a door separating two times: YESTERDAY… “Yesterday” is the legacy of an approach rooted in human history: for millennia, everything we could not explain to ourselves was seen as the child of something supernatural, mystical – either divine or demonic – and later pathological.… Read more »
The amazing forest of the human soul, with the Emotionally Focused Therapy “compass”
“I came to the conclusion that the only disease I didn’t have was washerwoman’s knee.”Jerome K. Jerome In the spring of 1889, Jerome K. Jerome suspected that he was suffering from hay fever. Since he didn’t feel like standing in line in the waiting room of his attending physician, he popped into the library of… Read more »
Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it helps people-and not just couples-accept something that our world puts on the back burner, namely our need for love and secure connections.
Christmas is an ancient holiday that celebrates the end of darkness and the return of Light. It’s a celebration that makes ALMOST everyone happy, not everyone. For some, it’s a difficult and very painful time. The darkest time of the year! People who hate Christmas may be reminiscent of the Grinch or Dickens’ old Scrooge, but they are never monsters; they are often BROKEN HEARTS.
Love is a medicine, in the literal sense of the word: for the body and for the soul, it is both a cure, remedy, and magic capable of repairing the wounds of the heart, and a poison that can make us suffer to the point of illness.
When there is love in our lives, our bodies produce substances such as oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that make us stronger, happier, and much healthier. Conversely, when love is lacking, precisely because it is a “drug,” it can become a drug that intoxicates our organism. Even a poison that prevents us from healing, or makes us sick.
Discover the world of mythical creatures in Jorge Luis Borges’ “Manual of Fantastic Zoology.” As a therapist, learn to create a safe and accepting space for clients, trusting their emotions to help them grow. Explore how in this insightful article.
What is love? How much does it matter in our lives? How and to what extent can it change them?
The first workshop – Milan November 4 and 5, 2023 “Emotion is the music of attachment dance. To create change in a relationship, the fastest and mostdirect way is to change its music and actively evoke the emotions that elicit caring, compassion andconnection.” So says Sue Johnson, the extraordinary person who as an author, clinical… Read more »
A workshop with George Faller entitled “Keep the Focus in Emotionally Focused Therapy” was held on Saturday, June 10, 2023. The topics covered: maintaining focus, emotional attunement, energy dosage and choices needed to guide even the most escalated couples
The first international EFT conference “Healing Relationships in Emotionally Focused Therapy” took place in Poznań. Trainer Giulia Altera brought a moving talk on the Pursuer Softening Change Event in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
From Iceeft Newsletter – Winter 2022 This year, I combined vacation and work travelling to Brazil and I wanted to share what is going on in this country that I love so much. I feel privileged to have been able to do a few days of introductory workshops on EFT in preparation for some Externships… Read more »
The sexual dimension in the EFT model highlights the importance of physical and emotional closeness, following the path of Harry Harlow’s studies. These studies revealed how central the need for tenderness is in deep bonds, showing that sex among primates is not just a biological act but an experience of emotional connection. Face-to-face contact becomes… Read more »
In July we held the first Hold Me Tight Workshop for Therapists and their partners completely in Italian. It was a wonderful, moving and enriching experience. These that we publish are the words of one of our colleagues who participated in the course, Maria Luisa Gargiulo, and whom we thank so much! “This past weekend… Read more »